Work is Hard
Lorne, Ranger Up Fan
For reasons that I won’t go into, me and my squad were assigned to work the Ft Bragg Fair for 4 weeks where we were assigned the glorious task of manning the kiddie rappel tower. We worked from noon until eleven and then we got to ride any ride we wanted for free until the fair closed at midnight.
At about 8PM we had to shut down for a while because of the rain, which made everything slippery and made the day a bit longer. When we got close to closing time, I told my squad that we could either shut down at 11 and ride rides or allow only the “big girls” (defined as 18 years and older and not by the relative weight of said damsels) to rappel. The squad, selfless servants that they were, decided that big girls only was the way to go.
So Monty and Martin were tying seats and Cantrell was hooking them in on the top of the tower. I was the wall safety, and as such chilled out about 1/3 of the way down the tower, locked in and rappelling left handed so as to leave my right hand free to assist. This had been necessary early on with the younger kids and throughout the day I had rappelled down holding the kids that were on the very young side or were just scared and needed some support, but now that we were only allowing adults to rappel, my job should have been easy.
Hero is spelled L-O-R-N-E
Lo and behold, the next girl was pretty hot, wearing some tight white pants and deck shoes. I always gave the same little spiel – “hold the rope in the small of your back, don’t grip with your guide hand, walk backwards and if you have any problems I will be there to assist you”, and then stand by to watch them do their thing. So she starts down, but the wall is still damp from the rain and her leather soled shoes cause her to slip.
Several things then happened in rapid fire:
1. When she slipped, she bent forward at the waist. Her pants were so tight that this caused her zipper to break. 2. I zoomed in to grab her around the waist, and she started wind milling her arms to catch her balance.
3. Her arm hit mine and instead of going around her waist my hand went lower – a lot lower – right into her open fly.
4. She started screaming and I tried to pull my hand out, but she clamped down with both arms and squeezed her legs together and started yelling ‘Don’t let go! Don’t let go!
So I rappelled down, left handed holding this damsel like a bowling ball in front of about 200 people. As soon as our feet touched the ground I was able to pull my hand free, and she spun around in my arms and threw her arms around my neck. The crowd went wild, cheering and clapping. That was when I realized that no one had seen where my hand was.
Pimpin’ Ain’t Easy
Well almost no one. Judging from the looks on Cantrell and Martin’s faces they had both seen. I climbed back up on the tower and gave the next girl instruction on how to go down and she made it without a problem. Once again, I climbed back up, and missed a beat – this next young lady was smoking – if the tower had not been wet, her feet might have set fire to the whole damn thing.
Pretending I’m nonplussed, I give her the spiel and she says, “What if I fall?”
Me: Well, I’ll catch you, but you won’t fall.
Hottie McHotterson: If I fall will you catch me like you caught that other girl?
Me: If you fall, which you won’t, I’ll catch you.
At this point this chick says, “No, I want you to catch me just like you caught that other girl”.
So she rappels down as my face turns red. She stops at the bottom and asks if I would like her phone number. I would but my wife wouldn’t.
Too bad – she had the same name as my M60 machine gun – Sara Jane.