RTFU

Two Martini Lunch

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Updated: February 1, 2010

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Ranger Up brings back the Two-Martini Lunch

Who says you have to wait until the sun sets to drink? Getting schnokered in the middle of the day was an executive privilege going back to the days of Romans, Mead, and the always entertaining Coliseum until a bunch of clumsy, tea-totaling Jodies ruined it for all of us by losing too many fingers in wayward heavy machinery accidents. Just when we thought the hell of public bra burnings and pepper spray-laced political conventions was over, America got a conscience, kicked the hard-living Rat Pack to the curb, and mumbled “I’ll never drink again” like a sorority chick on an early morning walk of shame. Overnight, getting buzzed at work was a bad thing.

Well, this is America where unnecessary indulgences are a rite of entrepreneurial passage, so Old Blue Eyes would be proud to know that Ranger Up’s World Headquarters in Raleigh/Durham is a den of gin and vermouth-laced iniquity and profanity between the hours of 1130 and 1300. Wars, laws, and trade routes have been fought over booze, so this small company has tapped into the siren song of libation to get a leg up on the competition. Gird your loins.

“There simply isn’t enough self-righteous egoism in the workplace anymore,” says Ranger Up CEO and Supreme Overlord Nick Palmisciano while killing his first slightly wet, three-olive Hendrix martini. “All these rhinestone and foil wearing, faux hawk coiffed pantyweights don’t know jack about being a revolutionary. Two fingers of your favorite poison was a lunchtime staple for our fathers, but ever since the Carter Administration, everyone’s been uptight about drinking at work…even when we were in the Army. What kind of crap is that?”

Chief Marketing Officer Garrett Schemmel, barely competent after a pair of sugar-rimmed Appletinis, describes the new tactic this way: “One martini is nothing more than an unsatisfying appetizer…like the Minnesota Vikings…and we knew three was too much when a hide-and-seek game didn’t end until we discovered Tommy six days later camping in the rafters like a caveman. Two is just right. It stimulates the creative brain cells, which in turn kill the unproductive ones. So it’s really like brain cell Darwinianism. The weak cells die off leaving the herd stronger…until nap time of course.”

So far the net effect of the two-martini lunch has been limited to a Jackson Pollack wall covered with plans of unrealized world domination, lists of esoteric nonsense like “Kama Sutra uses for peanut butter,” and a collection of crayon drawings depicting RU employees bloodily decimating the greatest MMA fighters. “It’s mostly jibberish with an occasional nugget of stupid,” says Tim Kennedy, who enjoys a vodka martini without vodka. “I don’t know how a fully automated flux capacitor will turn a profit, so I crossed it out and wrote ‘V-necks’ because that shit’s money.”

“We’re still not sure who wrote, ‘I’m a genius surrounded by small vocabularies.’ but I suspect it was our resident curmudgeon, Crigger,” says Tommy Batboy as he polishes off a Tropic-tini and eats the orange, rind and all.

Of course, combining booze and work invariably has its downside. Recently Ranger Up had to let go of their temporary worker, Danielle, because she used the term “inappropriate touching” one too many times. The company also suffered a setback when Tommy donned a Beefeater outfit and trudged the hallways with a giant axe looking for a Queen to behead in order to ‘add realism to the martini coven.’ Thankfully Nick streaking by wearing only fuzzy bunny feet gave Whitney the chance to sweep his leg and put him in a triangle choke before the company’s lawyer woke up.

“It’s not Bacchanalian orgy, at least not a good one,” says Whitney, “but replacing food with intemperance at lunch certainly helps dull the ringing dissonance of Tommy’s apoplexy and dampens Nick’s irritating capriciousness. I mean, it’s cool…as long as they don’t bring back Thighmaster Thursdays. Disturbing.”

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Comments

comments

9 Comments

  1. Judd

    February 1, 2010 at 2:03 pm

    Too many big words for someone that claims to drink at lunchtime. I don’t buy it.

  2. Nick

    February 1, 2010 at 2:52 pm

    Judd,

    The drunker Crigger gets, the bigger the words get. That’s why we sharpie him when he passes out.

  3. Robyn

    February 1, 2010 at 3:49 pm

    This was the most fantastic thing I have read all day! And I’ve been in the Library all day doing actual research!!

  4. Dudley

    February 2, 2010 at 8:40 am

    Two martini lunch, Phhhhhht! Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.

  5. Rossi

    February 3, 2010 at 2:29 pm

    Looks like I’m way ahead of the times–I’ve been hitting the two drink breakfast. A little Jack in the coffee or rum in the banana smoothie makes the day seem a little less redundant. And my children seem cuter.

  6. Satinpatriot

    February 4, 2010 at 12:04 am

    Bwaaahahahahaha.. This is spectacular! Thank you for brightening my life. I’m going to enter this into evidence while I’m convincing my boss to join me in this effort.

  7. G&B

    February 4, 2010 at 3:54 am

    Sorry fellas, can’t relate, you don’t see a lot of martinis here in Germany. It’s simply Kristallweizen at Fodey’s for lunch. Mmmmm….Kristallweizen…..

  8. Kriste

    February 6, 2010 at 7:58 pm

    I love you guys. Like a Manumission Body Bar, you routinely cleanse my soul and provide a protective barrier against Uber P.C. re-infestation. It’s manly, but I like it too!

  9. Dan McKenzie

    June 17, 2013 at 11:29 am

    Alcohol for lunch is what made this country great. Back in the day, Milwaukee breweries allowed their employees to drink on the job. Then it was limited to the lunchroom on breaks, then eliminated altogether. Few of those famous breweries are still in business. Coincidence? I think not. Thank you for bringing a time-honored American tradition back to the workplace. God bless you.

    P.S. If you want the secret of the PERFECT dry gin martini, shoot me an email.

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