RTFU

Tim Kennedy – The Portable Throne

By
Updated: May 19, 2009

tim-in-desert-copy

 

I may not be perfect, but I try real hard to never to be the “ugly American” when I travel.  To this day I still love many of the cuisines I’ve encountered and I appreciate and treasure the different perspectives I have gained through my journeys.  I’d be a very different, and less complete, man without them.  There are a few American traditions, however, that I am certain are superior and I am unwilling to compromise in the acceptance of a better methodology.  I’ve given you examples of this in the past, whether it my horticultural partiality (pomegranate trees in particular) or my epic battle with the vampire bed bugs, but the one that I feel most passionately about is that there is only one proper way to shit is sitting (METTC depending of course).

In many cultures, the most comfortable position to do anything in is the “squat”.  They have their conversations in it, they eat in it, they fight and shoot from it (all of which I don’t mind), and lastly they defecate from it (this is where my tolerance abates). 

I remember distinctly being a kid, bladder about to burst, and I ran into our one bathroom.  There sitting happily was my father.  He may have been reading a magazine or a book.  Perhaps he was just enjoying those precious few minutes of solitude from his demon-possessed son (me).  Whatever the case may have been I knew that I was interrupting and I better vacate the vicinity promptly.  There was something about him sitting there, respectfully and proudly.  I knew at that time that there was only one way to shit.

Being imbedded with other foreign militaries has its perks, and for a few months on my last deployment I was assigned to a platoon of indigenous soldiers.   For the most part, it’s pretty awesome.  You get to learn new ways to do our business (fighting).  You get to try new equipment.  You get to learn some new swear words.  You even try your best to look like them (this might save your ass later because more often than not the guy behind the glass is always trying to hit the American). I did almost everything with them.  Once again, however, they put my defecation style to the test – and proud American that I am, I refused to give in. 

I was on mission.  I tracked down a metal folding chair and laser-cut a hole in the center of it.  Then I went into KBR’s bathroom, and tore out commandeered a toilet seat.  BAM! There was my new portable throne.

If you’ve read my other stories you are well aware of the fact that most of the locals think that I’m mental.  I’m the guy box jumping everything I walk up to (only making it on top of it 2 out of 3 times then destroying everything within reach when I bang my shin), picking up every seemingly heavy piece of broken equipment just to see how far I can throw it, putting on my body armor pro-mask and dragging a tire every where I run, and lastly taking out all my belonging from my hut to “declare war” on SOG trained bed bugs.  So I’m not sure I did myself any favors by periodically taking off with my Glock, modified chair, and reading material and climbing to the top of the nearest hilltop. In need for some time alone, I’d march up to that fitting spot, set my chair down, and do my business. 

Did my new comrades in arms think I was crazy?  Perhaps.

Did they understand that disturbing my precious few minutes of solitude was a perilous, and potentially life-ending mistake? 

Why yes they did.

Comments

comments

5 Comments

  1. Hank

    May 20, 2009 at 4:16 pm

    Nick can attest to the fact that long ago I gave up on trying to drink anything while reading prose that either one of you have posted. My old man was a cop and referred to his revered domain as his throne. I believe it was where he conducted the overwhelming majority of his professional reading. I might be delusional but if memory serves me he always made it a point of taking his .45 with him. And no, you never, ever disturbed him.

    Maybe some day my sons can proudly scribe that I’ve successfully handed down the tradition.

    With Utmost Respect ~ Semper Fi, Hank

    And not completely apropos but we had a close friend of the family that cleaned septic tanks for a living, his business card read, “Your shit is my bread and butter.”

  2. Nate

    May 21, 2009 at 5:08 pm

    Tim,
    Once again your prose is brilliant. I’m glad you don’t compromise on your principles. I also hope that the info I sent you about your bed bugs help annihilate them and leave the entire species trembling in fear whenever your name is mentioned.

  3. SGT.JOEY

    May 22, 2009 at 12:18 pm

    I also do not like the “squat position” .It leaves you too vulnerable,i.e. caught with your pants down!. Also you must clear a wide area around you to make sure there is not any venomous vermin beneath you.Can you imagine poison ivy(Toxicodendron Radicans) on your butt? A man can hardly relax and contemplate the woes of the Universe. Alias The Thinker by Rodin.I remember during a camping trip in a remote area of Northern Michigan when I got caught with my pants down.The time of my “call to Nature” was 0900. I preceded to a giant red pine (pinus Resinosa) and “squatted”down back to the tree.I took my German Shepherd and my trusty 44 Magnum.All of a sudden my dog growled a deep warning.I looked up and saw him looking intently at a nearby swamp downhill from us.Next,his hair was standing on end! Murphy was present once again at my outings and out of the swamp emerged a black bear(Ursus Americanus).He was no more than 50 yards away and preceded to stand up on his hind legs and began to sniff the air.All of the sudden he ran back into the swamp.I was in the wrong place at the right time.Thinking back I believe my contribution to global warming was too much for him.My dog also was in agreement with Mr.Bear and kept a respectable distance from me for about an hour.Once again I hate the squat!

  4. AG

    June 2, 2009 at 7:37 pm

    After having read this… and having heard all about the infamous modified throne years ago, I think we must know some of the same people.

    Thanks for the laughs!

  5. KnuklHed

    June 18, 2009 at 5:32 am

    now that’s funny shit

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