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RANGER UP EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW: The Hillary Clinton Sniper

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Updated: September 18, 2008

hillary1We just want to remind everyone who our new Secretary of State is!

RANGER UP EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW: The Hillary Clinton Sniper

The year was 1996. Grunge, flannel, and Bill Clinton reigned supreme, but they were not the only things going on in the world. In Tuzla, Bosnia, the UN was investigating claims of genocide by Orthodox Serbs on Muslims in the region. President Clinton wanted to go to ground himself and check the situation out, but the secret hillary2service determined that it was far too dangerous. As such, there was only one thing America could do – the same thing it always does in times of severe crisis when it is too dangerous even for Special Operations to go in – send in the First Lady.

It’s now a well known fact Hillary came into an LZ so hot that they needed to perform the fabled “corkscrew landing” just to survive. Some people like to talk about Hal Moore’s amazing Battle of Ia hillary3Drang, as immortalized in We Were Soldiers, or The Battle of Mogadishu captured in Blackhawk Down, or even “smaller” events like the Battle of Iwo Jima or the boat landings at Normandy as being “hot”, but these skimrishes wouldn’t have even registered on Hillary’s combat thermometer.

As the plane slammed into the ground, barely holding its structural integrity due to the force of the emergency landing, Hillary knew her tour was hardly over. She hit the ground running, throwing a scared Sinbad over her shoulder like a bag of laundry while tucking Chelsea under her arm like a football and proceeded to cover 2000 meters of flight line while sniper fire so thick she could barely see hillary4rained down upon her. The uneducated believe it is a miracle she is still with us, but those of us in the know attribute her survival to her intuitive and groundbreaking combat tactics. It is no surprise that the Special Operations Command has abandoned traditional MOUT (Military Operations on Urban Terrain) tactics with the new cutting edge HOUT (Hillary Operations on Urban Terrain) tactics. Since doing so, their survivability is at a staggering 100%.

While both Ranger Up and Hillary Clinton could tell you how great she is all day, we think it is best to hear about her amazing feat from the one man who saw it uncover firsthand.

RANGER UP IS PLEASED TO PRESENT TO YOU, FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER IN AN INTERVIEW, DIMITRIJE “ZAGREB” X. 

Dimitrije’s last name has been withheld as he agreed only to tell his story if his anonymity could be protected.

DZ: Khello.

RU: Tell us a bit about yourself Dimitrije.

DZ: I join Army when very young boy. All my life I read stories of the Carlos Hathcock, Villiam Lucas, Ilyin Vasili Zaitsev. I want be sniper and Army give me chance.

RU: So, what happened in 1996?

DZ: I was most famous sniper in all land. Hathcock never kill as many as me. I could hit better than Luke Skywalker bulls eyeing wamp rats. I love Amerykan Star Wars! Just come out in my country.

RU: And so you received your mission. What was it?

DZ: My job simple. I hyde out in hilltop for fyve day and when Heelary land, I shoot. Easy job for Zagreb.

RU: But it wasn’t easy, was it?

(Dimitrije looks down, his face is sullen…)

DZ: No. Veery hard.

RU: Why was that?

DZ: She too kwick! She like angry Cheetah on the cocaine! Most people do three to five second rush – average four second. She do two to four second rush – average three second. One second faster! She break rule!

RU: And you couldn’t adjust for that?

DZ: Normal pearson – yes. Zagreb shoot. Heelary not normal. She not human.

RU: What do you mean?

DZ: Every tyme I pull trigger she move. Every tyme! If Beell Cleenton, no problem for Zagreb. I make chubby intern decoy. He stop. I shoot. Zagreb hero. She no stop!

RU: Wow. She’s really that good? I mean we’ve heard the rumors, but to hear it first hand…

DZ: She amazing. I hayd one chaynce. Sinbad cry like little girl and he flail and Heelary she fall down. I hayve her in site, but she look righyt at me. She smyle righyt at meee! I say fuyk yoou Heelary and I pull trigger. Smoke clear. I look site. She hayve bullet in teeth.

RU: Are you seriously saying she caught the bullet in her teeth?

DZ: Yes – Zagreb say. She caytch in teeth!

RU: Holy shit.

DZ: Yays. Then she gone forever. I hayd my cheance. I could be greaytest sniper in all the world, but she fayk me!

RU: That must have been tough.

DZ: Da. Beefore Heelary, I Zagreb. I have big pants in Serbia. After they seay, “Zagreb no hit girl.” “Zagreb scared of woman!” “Zagreb so bad he no hit broad syde of Rosie O’Donnell.”

RU: Ouch.

DZ: Yays. Zagreb start drink. Eveery nite become Rakia nite at Zagreb house. I seell sniper rifle at pawn shop. I get more Rakia. Soon I am in the party with Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton – I heet all time low. Just want pain away – but always in my dreams – Heeelary!

RU: That sounds terrible, man. As we understand it though, you are doing much better now?

DZ: Yays! Zagreb head of local Sniper Who Miss Heelary chapter. Very good khelp for Zagreb. We have twaynty-four member. We aspeeyk to young sniper and say no shoot Heelary. Zagreb also coach youth soccer and is treasurer for Tuzla homeowner’s association. We only let peoyple hayve black mailbox and no flamingo in yaard. Breeng down home valyue.

RU: Indeed it does, Dimitrije. Indeed it does. Well, we’d like to thank you for telling the world the rest of the story. Do you have anything else you’d like to share?

DZ: Yays. I was top of world. Beest sniper in land. I think Carlos Hitchcock hayve nothing on Zagreb. But I haed shot and I miss. She ruin my life! Fayk You Heeelary Clinton! Fayk You!

Note: Ranger Up is currently in serious negotiations with Zagreb to post the video of this interview on YouTube. We just have to work out the final dollar amount, but we feel like we are close. We will keep you posted.

Video Footage Submitted by Ranger Up Fan:

We’d really like to thank the Ranger Up fan who went through all the trouble of hunting this story down and getting this interview!

Copyright of Nick

Actual Hillaryous Footage:

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