Meet Eli Donker
Captain Elias Donker has walked on the dark side of the street and emerged into the lamplight with scars. And by dark side of the street, we mean the seedy world of male cheerleading. The way he puts it, a bevy of blonde haired, blue eyed future maxim models insisted he become a cheerleader so they could feel his svelt rippling hands on their thighs. We suspect he was just another red-blooded American boy looking for an excuse to let loose his Roman eyes and Russian hands. Nothing wrong with that…until the cheerleading team makes you wear a skirt and a wig because they need one more female to complete “The Pyramid of Death.” We draw the line there.
In defense of his manliness, Eli was forced to lift weights like a young Corey Everson and graduated high school at 220 lbs, got scholarships for academics and cheerleading, and was on two consecutive top 10 cheerleading teams in the nation before giving it up for Rugby. Sounds like over-compensating, but we can’t bust his balls too much since rugby is the second manliest sport in the world.
Eli has never been seriously injured during MMA or Rugby, but suffered a separated shoulder, a broken eye socket, and 16 total stitches from college cheerleading. Juggling chicks doesn’t sound like so much fun all of a sudden.
Eli had to deal with an evil moniker issue growing up. Kind of like being named Fabio, having the last name of Donker is just rife for pubescent jokes and schoolyard teasing. The upside is it makes you tough as nails because repeatedly being called “Donkmaster” predisposes one to after school meetings in the parking lot of 7-11 for pugilistic conflict resolution (ironically most of the male cheerleaders on Eli’s team were in fact, named Fabio).
A fellow Officer in Iraq thought it was funny to imitate Shrek and yell “Donkey” at irregular intervals until Eli urinated in a cup, lean it against his door at a forty-five degree angle, and knocked. His barracks learned the drawback of Persian rugs – though soft and durable, they hold an aroma for months.
The brutish enforcer in Crocodile Dundee 2 (because one wasn’t enough) was named Donk and it’s believed he was modeled after Eli. Tommy Batboy’s favorite catchphrase is, “I don’t need a gun. I’ve got a Donk.”
Eli knows a thing or two about insurgency. His grandparents were very active in the Dutch resistance in WWII and maintains an old chest in the attic filled with bloody trophy swastika arm bands and daggers and were awarded a couple of Dutch Orders of Orange. Makes my dad’s North Vietnamese flag look like a party streamer.
Eli was a proud member of the Rakassans (3BCT 101st ABN) for 4.5 years and 2 tours. As he puts it, “I got into a debate on the merits of Democracy vs. Islamic fundamental theocracy with some boys, conducted with small arms and explosives. I won, of course, but they had a pretty formidable argument.”
Eli is such a bad driver that he is responsible for the term “Vehicular Breech” being added to the Army doctrinal vocabulary. He once parked a Humvee with a .50 cal and a spotlight in someone’s front yard in Iraq. We can’t wait to see what he does when his daughter starts dating.
Eli is a full time Guardsman in Indiana and works in a training center that was converted from an insane asylum (complete with a dungeon and electroshock therapy equipment) and is, of course, haunted. Contrary to popular belief he does NOT have flashbacks, shiver uncontrollably, and piss his pants when someone whispers, “Get out!”
Eli just returned from Iraq and will be in the cage fighting this weekend. That’s “Fuck you, I’m Alexander the Great” self-confidence, so we’re happy to sponsor him. Rakassan!
Join TRD on Facebook
- I Have PTSD…So What? 265 comments | 13,290 views | by Rob
- I Wrote This 210 comments | 57,779 views | by Nick
- The Curious Case of Staff Sergeant Parsons 173 comments | 110,256 views | by Jack Mandaville
- Rangerpalooza I 111 comments | 300 views | by admin
- An Atheist Chaplain??? 111 comments | 189 views | by Rob
- On Newtown. On Guns. 106 comments | 21,733 views | by Nick
- Fast Food Workers and the Slow Death of Hard Work 105 comments | 615 views | by Rob