RTFU

Meet Brian Vanhoven

By
Updated: January 6, 2010

brian-vanhovenNo self-respecting Marine likes to be looked past. So when former Marine Sergeant Brian Vanhoven found out that his next opponent plans to corner two fighters just two days after he fights him, he was justifiably pissed. That’s just rude and fueled his old man strength (he’s 35), so he channeled Randy Couture and trained like a possessed Gordon Ramsay to bring the scunyon. That’s one reason we like him. Here are some others:

When things got tough during Marine basic recruit training, he tuned out mentally and went to his happy place to get through it. With his help, Goose and Maverick finally beat Iceman and Slider in topless volleyball.

As a lifelong wrestler (and one of the few Marines who’s defeated an Army wrestler on his home turf), Brian has constantly been the butt of every joke, especially the one from Breakfast Club about tights. But damn, that shit’s funny.

Brian’s ambition is to wrestle Sasquatch, so he once went hunting for him and ended up harpooning a guy in a bear suit.

Brian has no real hobbies, but aspires to be a photographer. So we introduced him to Cat Fancy magazine. Can you say hypoallergenic?

Brian grew up wakeboarding on the Columbia River in Washington. He once caught a salmon with his bear hands. No, really. He threw on a pair of stuffed bear paws and slapped a fish stupid as it tried to swim upstream.

During a U2 concert Bono said, “Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.” Brian jumped up and screamed, “Quit clapping your fucking hands then!”

Brian named his testicles Thing 1 and Thing 2, which was really funny until his sons put eight rolls of quarters into a sock and vowed to beat Dr. Seuss to death. His family jewels now resemble Green Eggs and Ham.

Brian wrestled and now fights because he prefers individual sports so he can bask in the glory of the win without anyone hogging the spotlight. So did Alexander the Great.

Brian’s MMA nickname was “The Defiant” until some inbred, uneducated promoter misspelled it and he was introduced as “The Deviant.”

Brian is one of the few Catholics in the world not offended by the Jesus Didn’t Tap logo.

Now that we (and his sons) have busted his balls, we’re happy to announce that Ranger Up will sponsor Brian Vanhoven this weekend at the World Extreme Fighting show in Pittsburgh, Pa.

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