It’s time for us give you our picks for the Ranger Up...
Meet Adam Castaneda
Influenced by Rampage Jackson, who fights because he likes to whoop someone’s ass and not go to jail for it, Adam Castaneda is the quiet, Mister Spock type who suddenly explodes in a violent rage when threatened. That makes him a dead ringer for a serial killer. Thankfully he’s suppressed his inner sociopath and confined his rage to the cage. That’s our kind of guy.
Adam started wrestling in high school and continued wrestling at Sierra College in Rocklin, CA while studying to be a Swiss Chocolatier. To defend himself against a local vanilla gang, he took Judo and earned a brown belt while living in a college dorm. Adam then took BJJ under Cassio Werneck and embarked on an MMA career at Team Shamrock 2000 in Lodi, California.
In January 2001 he joined the Navy because living with men underwater for long periods of time sounded so much more appealing when the recruiter described it. Actually Adam’s father was on a Destroyer Escort during Vietnam & his brother serves on submarines so his raging sibling rivalry led him to join up as a deep sea diver just so he could say his schlong was mas mejor.
Why we like him – Adam was once stationed in Oahu where he specialized in ship husbandry, which sounds somewhere between bad porn and beastiality. During this time Adam went on a walkabout in the Hawaiian outback to discover the mystical secrets of five (or seven, whichever he found first) animal ninja death claws, but only found The Burning Man circus instead. His consolation was training BJJ under Marcelo Rodriguez and earning his purple belt while winning a few grappling tournaments.
Adam now calls SUBASE New London (Connecticut, not Canada) home where he devotes most of his time to MMA and watching Dora the Explorer with his 3 daughters, a female dog, and a gay fish. That’s the other reason we like him – he falls under the Michael Jordan Y-Chromosome Principle. Never heard of it? It’s simple – there is a direct connection between elite athletes and daughters. Don’t believe us? Justify – Arnold Schwarzenegger – 2 daughters. Lance Armstrong – 2 daughters. Bret Favre – 2 daughters. Fedor Emelianenko – 2 daughters. Bas Rutten – 3 daughters. Matt Hughes – 2 daughters. Terrell Owens – 2 sons. See?
The final reason we agreed to sponsor him is he bears a “separated at birth” resemblance to Lyoto “The Dragon” Machida. Seriously, he could be the fourth Machida brother, but it’s probably to his benefit that he’s not. The Machida’s are diehard believers in urine therapy.
Suddenly ship husbandry sounds cool.