You’ve never hated flying so much as when someone yells, “Allah Akbar” and runs toward the cockpit with a knife in hand. If you weren’t an aerophobe before, you certainly would be IF you ever overcome the post-traumatic stress disorder that accompanies the drama of a hijacking. But in this situation there’s actually hope. Anyone stupid enough to commandeer a plane is at an immediate disadvantage because they have less maneuver space than Star Jones in a Mini Cooper. Plus the possibility that a hijacker snuck a firearm onto the plane is remote. As incompetent as you might think airport security is, even that Kukla, Fran, and Ollie show have effective ways of keeping guns from getting on planes. If he has any weapon, it’s probably a knife of some sort…Still dangerous, but at least manageable.
Before you spring into action, look around the cabin for an Air Marshall (hint-he’s usually in a suit, has a close haircut, and got on the plane before everyone else). If he’s there he’ll whip out his Barretta and blast the poor bastard. If not, time for you to get your hero on. The U.S. Department of Homeland Security advises you to reach a non-violent, peaceful end to the standoff. But let’s be honest, if you’re reading this then you’re not exactly the “peaceful resolution” type are you?
Step 1 – Corner him. Hijackers usually head to the front of a plane to take over the cockpit (duh), which greatly limits his mobility and does half of your job for you. Block the aisle with your body to trap him against the front door and don’t let him get away.
Step 2 – Get backup. No matter how many weights Hous bin Farteen has lifted, he’s no match for three pissed off cornfed Nebraska boys forced to ride in coach. Hell, even four first class martini drinkers have enough body weight to overwhelm the mightiest rice-eating terrorist. Count to three (in English so he doesn’t understand you) and rush him. Disarm and sit on him until a kinky stewardess can use her dominatrix skills to tie him up.
Contingency Plan – Should asshole hijacker take a hostage, be cool. Your best bet is to wait him out and be long winded. Discuss all the things you hate about America and try to be convincing, which is easy if you’re a liberal. As long as he has all of his attention on you and his hostage, then he’s not hijacking the plane and the pilot will put it down safely. Then bum rush him. If he stabs the hostage, oh well. At least the other two hundred and something people are saved. Just look at it as Darwinism in action. The herd will be stronger.
Emergency Backup Plan – In the completely likely event that you can’t muster enough Americans to back you up, find an Israeli. They usually have experience with these shenanigans. No Israeli on board? Whip out the Krav Maga knife disarming move. Thrust one hand into the hijackers throat while simultaneously using your other hand to block his arm when he slashes or stabs at you. This will impact his breathing enough for follow-on strikes while protecting your vital organs from his knife.
Bonus Points – After you’ve subdued Grabir Boob’e, get some booze from the plane’s galley and pour it in his mouth, thus violating the Koran and eliminating any chance he might have had of entering heaven and getting his 72 vestial virgins. Bang the kinky stewardess just to rub it in.
My terrorist threat prevention kit includes Ninja Swine Stars made out of a composite of pork bellies and blood sausage which I believe are now authorized by TSA on their Permitted Items List.
I know a gal that actually hit a hijacker in the head with one of these and heard him scream, “You cursed brat! Look what you’ve done! I’m melting! melting! Oh, what a world! What a world! Who would have thought a good little girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness? Oooooh, look out! I’m going! Oooooh! Ooooooh!”
Of course she was from Kansas.
Always request an aisle seat. DoD wants us to stay out of trouble, but hell, we did go seeking ways to attack these douchbags by joining up, right! Airport security always lets you get through with a snap link on your belt. In uniform (you shouldn’t be) or not. Now, this can be used for a great hammer fist to the head once you have subdued the fuck. Don’t try using it as a tradiitonal brass knuckle though- you’ll probably break your damn hand. Which will really slow down your training and ruin your deployment sex life.
Nice. Really nice. You see? This is exactly why I surround myself with you guys! I’m safer that way.
Hot coffee….Offer the degenerate a cup of coffee.Two ways to serve it: As you approach him,get close and toss it into his eyes.he will drop his knife. Make sure you have the top off.Go into action :a kick into the groin,shins or soft spot will hurt him. Do not stop your attack until he is neutralized!Still,I like the groin kick:he will not be able to service his 72 virgins.The other way? Take a big swig and when you get close vomit it into his mouth and eyes. This will start him vomiting so be prepared to side step.You should inform others you can trust of your plans,otherwise John Wayne it on your own.Be an All-American hero! The 72 virgins he cannot service will be surely in love with the American hero!
I laughed so much my eyes are watering!!!
Back in 1975 I met a woman whose eyes would water when:1.I told her I was scheduled for penis reduction surgery at Hopkins University medical school( I am Italian;born that way).2.While in a drunken stupor,I brought a striped skunk home on a leash that was supposedly descented.3.While drinking Stroh’s beer and eating White Castle hamburgers,I began expelling an appalling amount of noxious intestinal gas.4.When she performed a certain sexual act on me!! Thinking back now,I wish I had kept the dress. She did bear a more mature resemblance to a certain female Bill Clinton fan.Could she have been her …..NO WAY!
Sergeant Joey-I love hearing from you, brother. Keep up the good comments.
KC
Thanks Kelly.I love your articles. You have a rare ability and I am learning alot from you! My son First Sergeant Vince and his beautiful wife Rachel are visting me in the Detroit area May 1st. He was deployed in Afghanistan as a platoon Sergeant.Awarded the Bronze Star. He has 3 years left before retirement and is also a police officer in Lexington Kentucky.His platoon had the highest kill count in the sector.He said some of his men are young enough to be his sons.They are toughened,coarse and mature and not the type to be invited to polite tea parties where you have to have to eat correctly with manners and cussing and belching is not politically correct!Who says our youth are soft and weak? These young men are some of the toughest men alive.They would probably get along with Nick just fine,though.If it wasn’t for our Armed Forces the Muslim terrorists would be doing far more damage in this crazy world.I must go now,I am expecting a call from a beautiful topless dancer that is half my age I met last night .Hopefully tonight I will uphold the legend of the Italian Stallion that I have earned thruout the years. !! No Viagra needed here!