Confessions of a Juvenile Misogynist by Kelly

Updated: August 17, 2009


After thirteen months in print, my first book finally got a piece of hate mail yesterday. Contrary to popular belief, I was actually thrilled to learn that my words sparked enough emotion in someone that they took the time to hunt me down and fire off a message. Of course, I have to defend myself or you savvy Rhino Den-arians wouldn’t respect me. I turn to you for an opinion.

On page 61 I described what happened when a ring girl with disproportionately large breasts positioned herself right next to me during a fight. Someone yelled and when I looked to see who it was all I see was this young lady’s mammary glands mere inches from my nose. I described it as, “an eclipse of silicone, a blackout of boobs, and an obscuration of juggs” to give the reader the full effect of what the moment was like. One professional stripper (should I use exotic dancer?) and avowed feminist didn’t take too kindly to it.

She said I’d oversimplified her profession by focusing on one body part instead of looking at it holistically. But isn’t every occupation oversimplified? Instead of calling someone a trucker, should I describe him as “a man or woman who is hired to transport goods across great distances using a large vehicle, commonly an eighteen wheeled semi-trailer” so he or she is not offended? I consider myself much more than a soldier, but don’t take offense when someone oversimplifies my profession by calling me a “Troop” or even “Joe.” Baby killer is over the top, but those days are mostly gone.

I think what really offended her was this passage on page 78:

“The strange thing is,” Julie said, “I actually don’t like violence and I cringe from guns and gore. I don’t like to hurt people either.”

“Why do you do this then?” I asked.

“Because it pushes you to your limits. It tests you to be more.”, I thought, But even strippers aspire to be more or they wouldn’t get implants. “Couldn’t you get that out of soccer or basketball?” I asked.

Her response was this:

“The ONLY reason she buys huge breasts is to make more money because she feels forced to, because that unnatural look is somehow what men have come to consider “better.” No sane, clear-thinking woman believes bigger breasts will make her “better” and yes, it really is offensive that men actually believe that’s the thought process behind expensive surgery – cutting ourselves open and implanting huge foreign objects that are just plain uncomfortable, unsafe and pretty useless other than to get in the freaking way in yoga class.”

Forced to? So all strippers are forced to have augmentation surgery now? Is that covered under the Obama health care plan or the public option? Is it not true that exotic dancers augment their breasts in order to generate more income? Wouldn’t that be considered an investment? I say yes, and further contend that I was making an analogy to show how everyone strives for self-improvement, even if it’s only superficial enhancement for financial reasons. I’m betting if the sentence had read, “Even strippers try to better themselves through yoga,” I would not have gotten an email even though the message is the same and still oversimplifies the job.

I can live with these criticisms since they come with being a writer, but this comment struck a nerve:

Misogyny is so pervasive, so ingrained in our society, that it’s common for even the most intelligent men to simply not see it around them, in our culture or even in themselves, their behaviors and communications. And yet it’s stupefying really, that you would make such crude jokes about strippers on the same page where you introduce the topic of these amazingly courageous and inspiring female fighters. And that you would further demean my entire gender after 80 straight pages of uplifting prose about your own marginalized brothers in the MMA. Am I alone in seeing the irony here?”

I’ll leave that to the readers here to decide, but let’s break down this attack a little bit. Misogyny is defined as the hatred or contempt of women. As a champion of women’s right to fight in MMA, a fan of The American Women’s Veterans Organization on Facebook (thanks Genevieve), and a wholehearted supporter of Soldier’s Angels, I can hardly be described as someone who holds women in contempt. That’s a stretch.

Demeaning the entire female gender? How? By using the word boobs? Boobs boobs boobs. Is it offensive to say I like boobs? I can’t imagine why. The word can be found in Webster’s dictionary and is commonplace in English terminology. Should I refer to them as mammary glands? Maybe the more politically correct term is breasts, but if I was politically correct, would you even want to read my book? What about the restaurant chain, Hooters? They’ve come under fire for their name and theme, but stood steadfast in their ways and continued to be successful.

I’ll go out on a limb and say I like fake boobs too, despite so many men disdaining them as unnatural. After witnessing the devastating effects childbirth and breastfeeding have on a woman’s body, it’s not my right to criticize self-enhancement. If a gal wants to alter her appearance to boost her self-confidence or just to give her a better shape so dresses fit better, then I fully support it. I don’t hear any women complaining about the endless male enhancement or erotic dysfunction product ads pervading the internet and TV. Hell I’ve admitted to farting in public stairwells and not a single person objected to it. What does this say about our priorities people?

Out of an 80,000-word book, this reader decided to let two sentences stand out as offensive and hone in on that. That seems like someone who only hears what they want to hear. It’s biased and reflects this pervasive attitude that everything we read should be safe, soft, non-thought provoking dribble that furthers the “I love you and you love me” liberal gonorrhea. What happened to the good old days of feminism when higher wages were the demand and bra burning was all the rage?

“Trust me when I say I know breasts are beautiful and sexy and that men rightfully love them. But to equate bigger with better, while simultaneously diminishing the hard work that really does make a stripper “better” is offensive, even to non-angry, non-feminists.”

I don’t have a point to sharing that part. I just thought it was cool to hear a stripper say breast are beautiful and sexy. Maybe I am juvenile.

A note to those of you who want to express your opinion to a writer; there’s a right way and a wrong way to go about it. I think we’ve all just learned the wrong way. The right way is to say “Hey, dude. This sentence on page XX would be better if it read, “blah blah blah.” I would have welcomed that and maybe even changed my ways. But to call me a misogynist, crude, and a juvenile? I’ll just take it as a compliment and move on.

What do you non-angry, non-feminist’s out there think? Sound off.

Check out Kelly’s book and see what all the fuss is about>>




  1. Red

    August 18, 2009 at 8:59 am

    It seems to me that the chick who criticized our Kelly Crigger needs to just calm down… as a woman who has all too often faced prejudice and misogyny myself, I can say that I am not the least offended by anything Crigger wrote. I believe that this stripper-chick was looking to be offended. I say “Go Kelly! Keep up the good work!”

  2. Tara Bohren

    August 18, 2009 at 9:04 am

    Wow. If you are concerned about how women are viewed and objectified, the last thing you would logically do is go out and have a number of expensive surgeries to alter your body to be more pleasing to men. You can CHOOSE to be a stripper. You can’t, however, blame men for your choice to spend large quantities of money to enlarge your boobs. Sorry ladies. As a fellow woman, I ALMOST feel bad for not being on the estrogen team on this one. But not bad enough to get on board the blame train. Chugga chugga chugga chugga “had to”…choo choo, chugga chugga chugga chugga “made me” choo choo.

    Come on now. If you want to be a stripper, men are going to objectify your boobs. I think Kelly is right on. If ANYBODY is satisfied with their body and proud of it, they won’t bother to alter it. If you pick a profession where you feel pressure to do so, that’s on you- NOT the clientele you serve. I’m all for women’s rights, and equal treatment. I’m not even opposed to strippers. But this woman seems to believe that strippers should be exempt from comment, like somehow strippers are the poster children for women’s equal treatment. I don’t think so. I’ve never heard my guy say to his buddies, “You know, I really admire that stripper for her guts. Look at how much surgery she has had, just to be more pleasing to our eyes. We should treat women as equals and not objectify their bodies, just because this stripper has sacrificied so much.”

    People objectify blatantly exposed parts. Women do it too. Be honest. Case in point…construction workers. I don’t even need to expand (ahem…rock hard abs glistening in the sun). Been going on for ages. Just because men are more honest about their ogling doesn’t mean they should be crucified for putting it on the table for discussion. Yes, if you put your boobs in a man’s face, he may comment. He will certainly think about the moment more than once. He may even mention it in an article. Solutions: Don’t put your barely covered boobs in a man’s face OR don’t be so sensitive or surprised when you read about it later. And don’t try to blame your bodily alterations on someone else. Either go about them in silent semi-shame (Michael Jackson) or be bold and say YES, I CHOSE to alter my body and am willing to accept that people will notice!

    Let’s not get caught up in seeking out the one sentence in an entire book that we can jump on a misogyny platform and start testifying from. The man makes good points. Gotta give this one to the author.

  3. Jim Ethridge

    August 18, 2009 at 11:01 am

    Personally I do not understand what all the fuss is about over which is better “To implant or not implant”.
    If you have seen one augmented breast, then you have seen them both.

  4. Tom McCormick

    August 18, 2009 at 12:29 pm

    How is she a feminist AND a stripper? DOES NOT COMPUTE… I dont see how you can call yourself a feminist, and actively engage in a profession that is the epitome of objectifying the female body. That’s just DUMB. As for feeling pressured to augment herself, well, that’s an even DOMBER excuse. I’ve known a lot a strippers in the past who did just fine the way God made em, so she just cant claim that.

    I think this just comes down to her own insecurity, and maybe even a little guilt about having the implants herself. Either way, stupid, petty people with retarded opinions shouldnt be allowed to type! (although that may have the added bonus of removing 75% of American literature from circulation…)

  5. Kelly "Boobs" Wade

    August 18, 2009 at 6:04 pm

    I am not big on commentary. I read the author’s article and move on. This time… I just couldn’t.

    I have boobs. I have had boobs for a long time. I am as proud of my DDs as my friends are of their As, Bs, Cs, and Ds. Some purchased and bolted on, others gifted by a higher power. But they are just boobs. If I wear a low cut top… It is a “Hiya!” to every red blooded male I meet that evening. Just like the slightly tight shirts some of our well-developed-and-most-likely-created-by-the-gods Soldiers and Marines wear out on the town in San Diego. That is a serious “Hiya!” (And P.S. THANK YOU for that.)

    A woman that rants like that is embarrassing to the rest of us Ginaowners. Equal understanding and protection means objectification is equal. He turns my head. And I turn his. Equal. This is not political sensitivity. It is equal treatment.

    This is also not Misogyny. By any means. Should you have stated that a stripper should always get a BOOB job, and should always know her place, and should always wear clear plastic stilettos, and should always acquiesce to the male in her presence… then there might be a slim argument. But simply noticing a nice rack and discussing it? That is observation… and apparently they were large enough that the observation didn’t have to be keen to see them.

    To the critic- Life is choices. You can choose to have plastic surgery or not. You can choose your occupation or not. Don’t blame someone for reacting in the exact manner that was intended by the outfit or the surgery. You made your own choices. Put on the big girl panties and embrace them.

    Your writing is interesting and enjoyable. The critic may simply have had buyer’s remorse about her own purchased boulders and felt the need to take it out on you.

    Long live the Boobies.

    aka A Proud Card Carrying Feminist and Owner of Several Halter Tops.

  6. AO

    August 18, 2009 at 10:02 pm

    First off, let me begin by saying yes I am a feminist, but not a hateful one and certainly not one of the man-hating, short spikey hairdos that have become unfortunately associated with the word feminist…..And for the sake of honesty, I have never read your book and I don’t follow MMA. Although I do enjoy looking at the male MMA fighters (Hey, women can be pigs too).
    Now that we have that established, let’s tackle the booby situation. First of all if I was trying to look in a certain direction and a well endowed female’s chest was directly in my field of vision I would a. ask her kindly to move and b. upon retelling the story would have inserted a crass joke (or two) about the watermelons/mammoth mountains/etc. in my way. If the situation were reversed and some man’s huge package was in my face funny commentary would also be made. You did nothing wrong.
    And give me a break! Any woman who is a stripper understands that her livelihood is dependent upon her tips. So, of course she wants a pair of perky, huge ta tas to shake in your face. What better way to take your hard earned money. Nobody is forcing anything on anybody.
    Of course you are a bit of a juvenile. Boys will always be boys and women (most of them anyway) will always love you for it. Some of us will even laugh right along with you. I did. Using the word boobs does not demean my gender and neither does anything that you quoted from your book.


    PS- BTW, I’m all for equal pay but bra burning? Give me a break! My “girls” would not be very happy with me if I engaged in that kind of lunacy…..

  7. CavWoman

    August 19, 2009 at 1:14 am

    Gotta love those who get upset with you for ‘not respecting women’ while not seeing the lack of respect inherent in their own name-calling. Goota love people who use big words to sound smarter, but fail to understand that you should know the meaning of a word before using it.

    Or maybe we don’t have to love them. After all, it’s like a kindergardner calling a full-grown adult immature or childish, then singing ‘nany-nany-poo-poo’.

    ~An anti-femi-nazi kind of woman.

  8. Johnny Atkins

    August 20, 2009 at 7:05 am

    I like boobs.

  9. PFC L

    April 14, 2010 at 2:45 am

    After reading this when it was first published and now some time later, I really love how the majority of comments were made by women. Men love boobs, but I didn’t realize how strongly women felt about their breasts … it seems to me that women think of their boobs the way men feel about their balls: something unique to you that, while sometimes attracting attention (more for women than men, thankfully!), is something to be proud of.

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